27.4 Self-knowledge
Linda argues that as a child she had
to hide who she really was and play different roles. Her self-esteem first improved
when she understood herself better.
Linda: My self-esteem improved when I understood myself better. I understood
more about what was happening to me in relation to the abuse I had experienced…I
didn’t understand that I could have said no, it was just something that
happened. I tried to escape from it but didn’t succeed. When I grew a little
older, after starting school, then I understood that others didn’t understand
my experiences. I had to start hiding them, and that’s when I started playing
roles.
In my opinion, both reflection and
self-reflection demands an impact and a confrontation (Pettersen 2001). Through
ones self-reflection one is cast back against oneself, to something unknown.
Benhabib (1986) argues that self-reflection implies a return to oneself with a
condition which is hidden. Developing ones self-knowledge involves being
prepared and willing to be confronted with oneself, and it is this confrontation
which helps us to develop as individuals. Finding and accepting one’s self
seems to be important in the healing process of shame and Knut says that his
process started with him having to accept himself.
Kaare: Was it ok to talk to someone at the incest
centre?
Knut: That was really all-right. It started a process which helped me set
free emotions and accept myself and be able to look at myself in the mirror and
say, I like you. It was like that. My self feeling and self-esteem were real
low. My self-confidence was there, but not like ( )…I don’t feel very much shame anymore.
Accepting oneself as sexually abused
and declaring one’s shame with others as a social act is in my opinion a
difficult task which several of the informants speak in the interviews. Acknowledging
one’s shame to oneself is important, but it must also be shared with others. This
is because in the process of gaining self-knowledge the individual decides to
illuminate the depths of ones shame and recognize it for what it is. But in
order to develop the social self and create a new identity, the individual has
not yet acknowledged its full character and meaning. What is left cannot happen
any other place but in the depth of one’s own self, or as Buber puts it, within
an “I-with-me” (German: ich-mit-mir)
relationship, and it is exactly this depth that is to be highlighted. Since the
self is a social-self I chose to expand Buber’s phrase by saying that the
change must take place within an “I-with-me-in-the-world”. Ruth argues that the
helping process must start where the other person is, not where she is as a
helper. This is not necessarily an easy task. Finding the other involves demonstrating
some self-knowledge and sharing oneself with others. Ruth says that if the
person she is trying to help expresses anger, then that’s where she has to
start. That’s where the person is, and that’s where the need arises.
Ruth: I have to meet the user where she is and start there. If she’s angry,
ok, then we start there instead of talking about something else. I believe it’s
very essential to meet people where they are, because that’s why they come with
their needs.
Declaring one’s shame, as Ruth
implies, involves dialog with others; exposing and sharing oneself with others.
Confession in a religious context can be perceived as a dialog with one’s god
who answers secretly from the unknown. Self-knowledge is in my opinion it’s
most actual moment no longer a monolog between “I-with-me” and even less a monolog
between an “ego” and a “superego”. Self-knowledge brings one to a point where
all speech stops and words cannot be found and one experiences a silent shudder
over being oneself. Without this strong ocean of light which lights up the
abyss of mortality and Nothingness, a declaration of shame would in my opinion be
without substance in the shameful or guilty person’s inner life and ones
shameful or guilty plea would simply be pathetic talk which no one would listen
to. John, Knut and Ivar discuss their shame in relation to showing others who
they are, that they have been sexually abused. But now John calls the Incest
Centre in Vestfold his second home because he has found himself here. Ivar says
that he got his self-confidence back. He remembers when it felt good to tell
the bus driver that he was going to the Incest Centre in Vestfold even though
everyone on the bus could hear him. He was proud of who he was and where he was
headed.
John: I’ve been at the local grocery store here to buy food for the Incest Centre.
I remember the first time. ((Turns from side to side)) Everybody stared at me. And, and, all I wanted to do was to hide.
((Pulls his hood over his head and off again)).
Kaare: Was it embarrassing?
John: Yes. I guess that’s what I felt. But I have to call this place, if I
may, my second home, because it brings out my positive traits and keeps them
there. But the first time I was here, I came from XXX and taking the first step
in here was a giant leap. That was two or three years ago. (.) Just walking from the bus stop and up here,
well I wished I could have crawled through the sewer instead.
Knut: I’m glad they have a back door here. I used the back door. It’s at the
back. Nobody could see me. Nobody recognized me. Nobody knew me either.
Kaare: Was it all-right to talk about the abuse at
the incest centre?
Knut: It was really all-right. It started a process that let me free some of
my emotions and to accept myself so that I could look at myself in the mirror
and say I like you, to put it that way. My self-esteem and self-image were at
zero. I had some self-confidence, but nothing else. Now I don’t feel as much
shame anymore.
Ivar: Umm (.) I got my
self-confidence back. I remember when. It was here at the Incest Centre. I got
on the bus to come here and just didn’t care anymore whether anyone knew what
had happened to me. The bus driver asked where I was getting off, and I said
load and clear so everyone on the bus could hear me, to the Incest Centre. That
felt good.
Both Ivar and Knut found it helpful
to gain new experiences with others and in so doing gain a better self-image
and self-esteem. This is in my opinion a daring leap (vågestykke) which demands courage. Linda argues that shame engulfs
the whole body and it seems impossible to rid oneself of it and concludes that
helping others demands the courage to travel into the depths of the lives of
others and willing to feel their pain.
Linda_1: It’s
shame that makes you look away and not meet the eyes of others. That takes a
long time for some people… It’s shame (.) You’re ashamed of (.) things
that have happened. You’re ashamed over things you have experienced with your
body. (.) So I’d say that umm your
whole body is full of shame. That’s what I mean. (.)…The thing I like the most about working here at the Incest Centre is
being able to go into the depths of the lives of our users. I was abused from
the age of five or six, maybe before that even, but I can’t remember anything
before that. I just can’t remember anything before that. But I’ve found out how
to manage with my abuse, I use mechanisms to keep it at a distance and know how
to tackle my everyday life…I learned in a way how to live two or three lives
parallel to each other. You have to turn off some of your emotions in order to
work here. But at the same time I have to be close and dare to travel into the
depths of the lives of our users. I have to dare to feel some of their pain.
When I’m finished with one conversation, I have a cigarette and then I’m ready
for the next conversation.
In my opinion, if a person only felt
shame in relation to the self, one would have a lot to endure when walking
through the doors to self-knowledge. It would be hard to meet the demands of
ones conscience when it is at its most punitive. But humans are always shamed
before the eyes of others, before the world, before all those people one comes
close to in the course of a lifetime. In order to meet these demands, the
individual must travel two roads. The first road has already been mentioned and
leads to the doors of self-knowledge. The other is the road of expiation.
Expiation denotes an action which springs out of one’s conscience and which
corresponds to compensation in the judicial sphere. When it comes to
existential shame, one cannot strictly speaking, right the wrong that has been
done – as if the shame and its consequences could be taken back. Expiation
means first and foremost in my opinion that one reaches out to the person one
feels shameful toward (myself and others), acknowledges one’s existential shame
and receives the respect and recognition others give in order to get past the
consequences of the situation(s) which is the direct cause of one’s shame. This
also applies when the person one feels shame in relation to, is oneself. One
must reach out to one’s self and acknowledge one’s shame in relation to
oneself. Expiation must be an unconditional expression of one’s struggle for
respect and recognition in the world, and this can only happen in my opinion
through a changed relation to the world, and through a new serving identity
with renewed human energy.
No comments:
Post a Comment