22.1 Mother-Blaming and Mother-Shaming
Ruth’s
story includes these elements when she speaks of the experiences she has in
working with mothers at the Incest Centre. Many have a picture of a caring
mother, being there for their children, and protecting them. But Ruth claims
that some experience having mothers who are passive to the sexual abuse and
leaves the child in the painful situation.
Ruth: A mother who has not been there for her
children for example (.) yeah, they
often miss having a caring mother. Where was Mom? Why didn’t she see me? Why
didn’t she do anything? (.) Why
wasn’t she there for me? Umm ((Lifts her hand up under her chin and covers
her mouth with her thumb)). They also
miss the family they never had. They might have a picture of the perfect family
in their minds, and in the process they understand that their family wasn’t so
fantastic. They’ve never had that family when they see the reality they live
in…Mothers are often looked upon as the person, from the time we are very
small, who takes care of us, that’s the picture we have of a mother, which most
people have I believe. An image we have inside our heads. Umm when we grow up,
we realize that mom wasn’t the person we thought she was, or the person we
needed. A lot of people say that Mom must have known that something was wrong ((holds
her hand over her throat and looks away))…They
often feel ashamed of having such a mother, who hasn’t, who didn’t have (.) who wasn’t there for them, who didn’t take
them away from the pain, that they have a mother like that ((shakes her
head)) who didn’t take care of them. That
a mother can stand there and watch, a mother who leaves her child stuck in a
painful situation. Time and time again…
It might seem that Ruth experienced
a feeling of shame while telling this story when one considering the non-verbal
communication she conveys (appendix 20); covering her mouth and throat and
looking away. She speaks of shame as something some victims of sexual abuse
feel towards there mothers because they were not there when the children needed
them at the most. Many expect mothers to protect their children from all kinds
of abuse, even if that means going against the stereotypical passive,
submissive female role in a patriarchal family. Placing blame on mothers has,
in my opinion a tremendous impact on the mental health of all women generally
and specifically on women who are mothers in families in which a father has
sexually abused his daughter. McIntyre (1981) has studied mother blaming and
argues that criticism of mothers falls into four categories concerning:
1.
the way the mothers are involved in the incest,
2. the
personality characteristics they possess,
3. the
nonfulfillment of their roles as wife and mother,
4. and
their reactions on discovering the incest.
All of these elements seem in my
opinion to be present in the stories given in this chapter. Jensen (2005)
argues that Mother-Blaming is so strong that is seems to prevail despite the
fact that many mothers in fact support their children after disclosures of sexual
abuse.
Camilla, Bodil, Dagny and Anne, who
all have been sexually abused as children and are in the same focus group as
users of the Incest Center in Vestfold, discussed their common experience of
having a mother who wasn’t there for them in their childhood. They speak of
sadness and shame in relation to their mothers. Camilla and Bodil say that they
have mothers who were aware of the abuse of their children but didn’t do
anything to stop it. Camilla says that in spite of this she has protected her
mother. Dagny argues that it should be the other way around; parents are
expected to protect their children. Camilla, Bodil and Anne are ashamed of
their mothers and miss not having had a mother who stood up for them.
Camilla: I
have a mom whom I am very ashamed of because she didn’t do anything, and she
should have.
Bodil: Yeah, me too.
Camilla: They
should have stepped inn and found out what was happening…My mother knew.
Dagny: My mother just blocked it out..
Bodil: Mine did too.
Dagny: Couldn’t say anything to Dad because he
could get angry ((laughs))
Camilla: ((laughs)) that’s something I feel the strongest about and am most ashamed of.
Kaare: Are you ashamed of your mother?
Camilla: Yeah. And that hurts a lot. And it’s sad
also.
Kaare: Are you proud of your mother?
Camilla: No ((shakes her head))…I think I’ve protected her, both her and
myself.
Kaare: So you’re ashamed of her and at the same
time you protect her?
Camilla: Yeah. That’s what I do.
Kaare: Ok. Is that a way of having control?
Camilla: Yeah.
And I wish that everything could be different ( ). I
hope it will be different someday.
Anne: I am also ashamed ( ). I
miss having a mother who could stand up for me. Who would have been there for
me and actually done something. I’m ashamed of her not doing anything and at
the same time I miss having the kind of mother who would have done something.
Dagny: My mother’s an alcoholic and doesn’t
remember anything and my father doesn’t remember anything…I can’t do anything
about it. There’s so much I’ll never understand. There was my great-grandmother
I told her about the abuse once when I was a child, but she didn’t do anything.
It’s a mystery. You’d have to be a detective to find any answers. Finding some
answers would solve a lot of my problems. If only I could find some answers and
understand why things happened, then everything would be so much easier to live
with.
Camilla: My
mother can’t face it. But she’s honest in a way, but she say’s there’s nothing
to be done about it now. It’s something she can’t face anymore (.) now.
Dagny: Your
parents should protect you until the roles are reversed and you have to take
care of them
These
women speak of being ashamed of their mothers, but in my opinion this can be
understood more seriously as being ashamed of being the daughters of their
mothers, and thereby imply that they exclude their mothers as mothers. They
speak of mothers who indirectly were involved in the abuse by knowing about it;
of negative personal characteristics their mothers have; of not being the
mothers they had hoped, and not reacting to protect them even though they knew
of the abuse (McIntyre 1981).
Margaret, who has worked for several years at the Incest Centre in Vestfold,
speaks of her mother who was not there when she needed her the most. She says
that a mother’s betrayal is often experienced more painful than the sexual abuse
committed by the father.
Margaret_1: My
mother was incredibly old-fashioned and stupid. But I don’t feel a lot of shame
towards her in relation to my abuse,…but I feel a lot of rage…Rage comes from
feeling one has been betrayed of mother’s that just were not there. She did not
see anything. ((scratches her neck)).
A father can abuse his daughter and that does something to the daughter. But
the feeling you get because your mother hasn’t noticed what’s going on is
almost stronger (.) than the feelings
you have because of your father’s betrayal…I’ve thought before that it’s
unbelievable but I’ve heard about this so many times, and I know many people
say that it’s almost worse that Mom didn’t do anything…It brings out a lot of
rage. Both hate and rage.
Margaret claims that her mother was
stupid and thereby induces a stigma on her mother; in my opinion she indirectly
is saying that she also is ashamed of her because of this, even though she does
not feel “very ashamed” of her because of the abuse she suffered from her
father and grandfather. She describes her relation to her mother more characterized
by hatred and rage, which in my opinion also can be consequences of shame
(Scheff and Retzinger 1991). This hate and rage seems to be caused by what
Margaret apprehends as her mothers blindness. She even means that the fact that
her mother never noticed her being sexually abused is almost worse that the
betrayal committed by her father. This story illustrates in my opinion the
extremely complicated emotions between daughter and mother, and a story of
shame, betrayal, rage, hate and expectations of dishonor. Trude says that her mother knew
that she was being abused and still did nothing about it. She believes that she
was abused when her mother didn’t want to have sex, and this was something her
mother was aware of.
Kaare: Did your mother know about the abuse?
Trude: Yeah. When she didn’t want to have sex, he
used me.
Kaare: And your mother knew?
Trude: Yeah (.)
Trude claims that her mother not
only knew about the abuse she suffered as a child, but was also involved in it,
even though no evidence for this claim is put forth. Trude, Pia and Ruth, who
all were sexually abused as children and work at the Incest Centre, agree that
having a mother who knows about the abuse and does not stop it is difficult because
mothers play a special role for their children.
Kaare: Do you think your mother knew what happened?
Trude: Oh yeah. She wasn’t in on it, but
she knew all-right. She always excused herself by saying she didn’t remember
anything. But I know a different story…((bites her lips)) uhh ((nods her head)) she did nothing (.) nothing.
Kaare: Are you ashamed of her?
Trude: ((bites
her lips)) Uh-huh ((nods her head)) yes I am.
Kaare: Have you always been ashamed of her or has
that come with time?
Trude: I’ve always been ashamed of her. I’ve always (.) thought that she knew about it ((has
problems speaking, clears her voice)). I
have always tried to remember a single time when she stood up for me and
defended me. But she never did, never ((shakes her head)).
Kaare: Have you protected her?
Trude: Yeah ((nods her head)) yeah. I did it then and I still do, even
though I say to myself ((points to her head)) up here, that that’s how it was and I have to work with it, and it’s
still there under my shoulder blade.
Kaare: Do you think she was implicated in the
abuse?
Trude: Yeah.
Kaare: No doubts?
Trude: No. I’m sure…But I’ve protected her too.
Ruth: It’s weird that we protect our mothers.
Trude: Yeah. It’s like the last tie between us.
Ruth: That makes you feel ashamed in a way?
Trude: Yeah.
Ruth: Uh-huh ((nods her
head)). A mother is a (.) I don’t know, but she has a very special
role. It takes time (.) and a child
has an impression of what a mother should be like. They see others mothers, umm
and dream about how a mother should be…A mother who is always there and
protects her child, for better and for worse…And when Mom’s not there, then something
breaks, there’s a break in trust.
Trude: Uh-huh ((nods her head))
Ruth: It’s so piercingly painful and difficult.
Trude: She’s the first thing we smell, the first
person we are oriented towards.
Ruth: That’s Mom.
Pia: Yeah. My mom wasn’t very talkative, but I was ashamed of her not helping
me when she saw me cry, or when I went to my room and didn’t come out again, or
when I went inside myself and they weren’t able to talk to me… That she didn’t
protect me, umm but for me both my parents have been important in giving me
this feeling of shame.
This conversation seems to suggest
that mothers are expected by the participants to defend their children, but
they have instead experienced having roles turned around and claim to have
protected their mothers. When a mother fails to protect her child in my
opinion, the basic trust between child and mother is weakened, and the conversation
above says that this is painful. It seems in my opinion that all of the women
above declare in a way that they are disappointed in their mothers, ashamed of
them, ashamed of being their daughters, and at the same time tried to protect
their mothers.
Mothers seem to be used as a target
for some victims of sexual abuse, where almost all negative emotions can be
cast upon. Sally argues that her mother should have seen what was going on but
didn’t. The shame Sally feels is mixed with rage and a feeling of cowardice,
but it is all directed at her mother.
Sally: Umm this shame of mine is very mixed up and is really directed at my
mother, and the situation we have where she is not willing to listen to me (.)
putting a lid on everything. My shame is
mixed up with rage and cowardice over feeling that I just can’t confront her
and make her sit down and listen; this is something we have to talk about and
get finished with. It just can’t go on burning like this and being afraid of
making a scene again. I’ve made a lot of noise before when I should have been
nice at different parties. Umm I feel that a volcano is erupting inside of me.
And it’s so unfair that she just sits there and pretends nothing’s wrong. At
family parties she talks about being honest and everything after a bottle of Spanish
wine and that’s when I explode…She should have seen what was going on. But she
umm didn’t.
This short story from Sally shows in
my opinion some of the tremendous emotions a daughter can have to a mother who
according to Sally knew of the abuse, but did nothing to stop it. Sally feels
like an erupting volcano towards her mother sometimes. Plummer (2006) has
carried out a study concerning what mothers see and do when they find out about
the sexual abuse of their children in an exploratory survey of 125 non-abusive
mothers of sexually abused children. Mothers first become aware of sexual abuse
through the verbal report or behavior of the victimized child. Almost half of
the mothers sensed that something was not quite right prior to learning of the
abuse. Mothers attempted to clarify what was going on in a variety of ways,
including talking with their child or watching things more closely. The most
convincing evidence that the child was being abused included the child’s own
disclosure, behavior, and emotions. Factors increasing uncertainty included the
denial of the abuser. They conclude that educating mothers about effective ways
of confirming their suspicions and weighing the evidence for or against abuse
may enhance protection and expedite investigations. The process a mother goes
through in learning that her child is being sexually abused is often burdened
with conflicting information and confusion. Plummer (2006) concludes mothers
often respond to their suspicions and their children’s behavioral or verbal
cues, and are willing to take action. Professionals and family members can
assist mothers in this period of confusion by providing solid information and
assisting mothers in resolving their dilemma in order to choose appropriate
actions and reactions. This might suggest that the mothers like those Camilla,
Bodil and Trude talk about above who suspected that abuse was going on, sensed
that something was wrong, but did not know how to clarify the conflicting and
confusing information. Plummer (2006) does not investigate mothers who knew
about the abuse, or who were involved in the abuse, and did nothing to stop it.
The relation between Mother-Blamimg
and Mother-Shaming seems complicated and these categories together with claims
of abusive mothers and uncaring mothers need in my opinion further investigation. Most
mothers protect their children, but the participants in this investigation seem
to have perceived mothers as uncaring; they close their eyes, side with their
abusive husbands instead of their abused children, or even fail to love their
children and try to harm them. Instead of considering the possibility that mothers
can be: oppressed; victimized; incapable of action; and therefore in need of
recognition and respect. It seems in my opinion that they are instead often met
with blame and given the responsibility for the abuse children have suffered
and condemned through different forms of shaming, such as exclusion, disrespect,
humiliation, stigmatizing.
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