26.4 The annihilation of trusting relationships
Many of the participants seem to
show little shame towards their fathers who have sexually abused them as
children. This might be because of the total destruction of a trusting
relationship which seems to be a consequence of incest. Fathers are usually
seen as significant others but after sexually abusing their children, fathers
seem often no longer to be viewed as significant others, resulting in a feeling
of guilt but not to the acknowledgement of shame. Instead, victims of sexual
abuse might become ashamed of who they have become (victims of sexually abuse)
and take the responsibility and the blame for the abuse on themselves.
Instead of being ashamed of their
fathers, many of the participants seem to acknowledge shame towards their
mothers even though mothers are not perpetrators. Mothers are often described
as being the prime caring adult at home, and several of the informants seem to
conclude that mothers should have been there for them and protected them from
the harm they have suffered from the sexual abuse from their fathers or other
perpetrators. Mothers seem to be perceived as significant others even after the
abuse, but since they do not live up to the ideal representations some of the
informants have of their mothers they seem to be ashamed of being daughters of
their mothers who they blame for having failed to protect them. Several of the
informants use their mothers as negative role models for their own motherhood identity,
saying that they would never let abuse happen to their children. Mother-Blaming
and Mother-Shaming can in my opinion be viewed to some extent as irrational
deductions which are based on stereotypical gender pre-understanding or prejudice
which is shaped by cultural factors in our western society. Many of the mothers
described by informants in this study seem to have lived in patriarchy
relationships where the father makes decisions on behalf of the family often
leading to the oppression of both children and women. Giving support to women
in such relationships instead of blame and shame seems to me to be a more
rational deduction. Even when mothers seem to know about the ongoing abuse,
they might have been living in relationships where protecting ones children has
not been a realistic alternative without the necessary support of their
autonomy from outside the family against oppressive paternalism of the father
figure in the family. None of the participants speak of their mothers as being
sexually abusive, but some speak of them as unloving, unappreciative,
insensitive, indifferent, and having psychiatric problems. Some informants seem
to conclude that because their mothers most likely knew about the sexual abuse
without trying to stop it, they therefore participated in the abuse. This
relationship between the non-abusive mother and sexually abused child needs in
my opinion to be investigated further.
Being the brother or sister to
someone who has been sexually abused seems to be a shameful experience and they
might develop many of the same symptoms of shame as their abused siblings. The
interruption of feelings that siblings seem to experience when they discover
the sexual abuse that has taken place in ones home, may lead to shame and
repression of emotions also for siblings that have not been sexually abused in
abusive families. This is not a phenomenon which is often spoken of by the
participants in this study, but several reports that cases where mothers
experience having one child that has victimized another child in the family are
amongst the most difficult cases at the Incest Centre in Vestfold. The mother
is here placed in a devastating situation with the expectation from others that
one should exclude the abusive child in order to include and help the
victimized child. Further research on this field of sexual abuse is needed.
All of the participants have touched
on the subject of children in the interviews. Sexually victimized children have
a nearly fourfold increased lifetime risk of developing a psychiatric disorder
and a threefold risk of becoming substance abusers (Finkelhor and
Dziuba-Leatherman 1994). Children are told not to complain or cry during the
abuse, and they find different ways of redefining the abuse in order to
survive. Some are tortured and others are given the responsibility of stopping
the abuse. Understanding why one is being abused seems almost impossible. Many
children conclude that the cause must be that there is something wrong with
them, with their bodies. Child-Blaming and Child-Shaming seems to an impact not
only on their health (Kirkengen 2001) but also on their relations to others. Child-Blaming
and Child-Shaming may in my opinion result in a destructive spiral of both
self-harming and the harming of others. They and are categories in need for
further investigation.
Several participants in this study
who have been sexually abused as children seem to experience sex with intimate
partners as shameful. Nakedness is often difficult because they feel that one’s
body is ugly and dirty. Sex is therefore often carried out in the dark and with
a night gown on. Many also try not to have eye contact with their sex partner
during the sexual act. Shame seems to lead to a range of different ways in
which victims try to hide themselves from being seen by others. Other participants
in this study speak of going into the role of “the perfect mistress” and try to
satisfy their sex partner(s) without consideration to one’s own needs or
emotions. Others also develop sex into a way of self-harming behavior by having
many sexual partners.
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