26.3 Alienation
At first glace, self-harming seems
to be a common reported consequence of sexual abuse at the Incest Centre in
Vestfold. Several of the employees at the Centre report that a majority of the
users of the Centre, and state that as many as nine out of 10 users of the
Centre have self-harming as a problem in one way or another. Self-harming seems
to have many different forms, such as; eating-disorders, cutting and burning
oneself, excessive physical training, washing and scrubbing oneself, or the use
of sex.
The findings in this study seem to indicate
that self-harming is not a direct consequence of sexual abuse but from shame. Participants,
who report to have been sexually abused and report a low degree of shame, seem
to have little problems with self-harming. Likewise those who have been
sexually abused and report of a high degree of shame, seem to show a higher
degree of self-harming. Shame seems therefore in this study to be more the direct
cause of self-harm and not the sexual abuse in itself. The inner pain which
victims feel seems to weaken to a certain degree after the self-harming, although
the results are rather limited, and the feeling of guilt and shame increases
afterwards and thereby also increasing the inner pain. This would be interesting
to explore deeper in further studies.
Shame seems to have a large impact
on the view many of the participants have on their own bodies and I choose to call
this phenomenon for body shame. Many seem to feel ashamed and alienated over
their bodies and call themselves for; ugly, disgusting, horrible, dirty,
soiled, unclean, abnormal, sick, or destroyed. It seems in my opinion that many
place the cause of the abuse on their body; saying that something must be wrong
with one’s body since others have chosen to abuse it.
Many participants in this study seem
to be ashamed of the food they eat and in eating itself. Some food products remind
them of the abuse, such as; milk, remoulade, mayonnaise, and yogurt. Some say
that their relation to certain food products make them seem as difficult inpatients
when in psychiatric therapy. People they meet might misinterpret their
resistance to certain food products and try to force them to eat food that
unknowingly has a symbolic value for the sexually abused person. Shame and
control over one’s body seems to be related. Some participants seem to try to
control the form of their bodies, one’s body weight and what goes in and out
one’s mouth. Eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia seem in this study
to be more directly related to shame than to the sexual abuse in itself, as
with self-harming. Shame distorts ones self-image and may for some result in
using food and eating as a form for self-harming or for some a way of having
control over ones mind and body.
Several of the participants who say they
have experienced psychiatric problems because of the sexual abuse they suffered
as children seem to report not to have benefited from ordinary psychiatric
treatment because of: an improper diagnosis; therapist without necessary
knowledge within the field of sexual abuse; therapy which is symptom orientated;
or just not being permitted to speak of sexual abuse. Some therapists seem to
be orientated primarily in the here and now situation and do not encourage
their patients to speak of past experiences. Some of the participants have expressed
that they were not allowed to speak of their sexual abuse while being in
therapy. Margaret tells
about a woman who was required to sign a contract saying she would refrain from
speaking about the sexual abuse she had suffered as a child before being
admitted as a psychiatric patient.
Margaret: I
remember one user here, several years ago, who had to sign a contract saying
that as long as she was a psychiatric patient she was not to speak of the
sexual abuse she had suffered as a child.
Not being permitted to speak of ones
inner self as Margaret speaks of here may in my opinion serve as shame inducing
and stigmatize the person asking for help. Several of the participants seem to feel
themselves stigmatized by: doctors; psychologists; child care; and other
helping institutions or the judicial system. They seem to have experienced that
their symptoms from their sexual abuse are uncovered and categorized as: not normal; morally wrong; sick; illegal; or just
not being believed.
I have created figure 3 to
illustrate the relationship between the different kinds of alienated relationships,
which I call in the dialogical terminology for I-It meetings. Treating oneself
and others as objects instead of subjects, and inducing suffering, seem to provide
a temporary relief from inner pain.
It seems characteristic for many
informants that the brief relief from pain can lead to more suffering and be
replaced by Blaming and Shaming. It is here in my opinion Mother-Blaming,
Mother Shaming, Child-Blaming and Child-Shaming may lead to a destructive spiral
of self-harming and the harming of others for many of the participants in this
study.
Some participants speak of their
abusers as being seemingly indifferent to the suffering they have induced on
them through the sexual abuse. Figure 3 might cast some light over the
situation experienced by abusers who themselves have experienced sexual abuse
as children, and developed indifference as a prominent emotion. Treating
children as objects and inducing suffering on them through sexual abuse, and
feeling indifferent to the consequences, might explain the abusive spiral for
some abusers. The complicated relationships within such a self-abusive and
abuse of others spiral will demand further exploration, but the spiral seems to
be relevant in relation to the information given from the participants in this
study.
One of the participants, Olga, describes
the shame she felt as a kind of suffering. She isolated herself, did not dare
to go outside, and felt that everything in her family was chaotic.
Kaare: How
did you experience your shame?
Olga: ((Bites her lips))
Kaare: How
did it show itself?
Olga: ((Looks from side to side)) (.)
Kaare: Did
you blush?
Olga: My life was all about suffering (.)
Kaare: What
does that mean?
Olga: That means that I didn’t dare go out and meet others. I didn’t even
pick up the mail ( )
Kaare: Were
you afraid someone would understand what had happened to you?
Olga: Probably that to, but I was completely unprepared umm and I knew so
little about ((Looks up at the ceiling)) (.) and it took so long before I understood (.) yeah. And everything with the whole family that was just ((Makes a
throwing movement with her hand)) thrown
up in the air and ( ) yeah.
Olga says that her life was “all
about suffering”. What does it mean to suffer? Lindholm and Erikson (1993) have
carried out a study of how one can ease suffering in an empathic culture. There
findings suggest in my opinion that suffering should be considered as a state
of being which is: a normal part of human life; a part of ones emotional work; not
only as an emotion or a pain; meaningless in itself; a drama; possible to
alleviated, but not eliminated; only be alleviated as Honnett (1996) argues through
true compassion, affection, legal rights, recognition and respect.
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