27.2 Taking oneself back
The good life according to existential
philosophy has to do with becoming oneself, and this in my opinion is all about
having contact with ones being wherever one is and when one is there
(Heidegger’s concept of Dasein) and
being-there with ones own will and power and personal motivation. The good life
has to do with being-there, not living in the past but living in the moment.
The self who becomes oneself, meaning taking oneself back as one of the workers
at the Incest Centre in Vestfold described:
I believe that it’s important for me to help others take themselves back
again. Being sexually abused often causes that one looses oneself; you’ve lost
yourself and become something else. So it’s important to take oneself back
again. My role in the centre is to listen to the users and help to change their
situation. If the user is self destructive it’s important to help them change
this so they can live differently with themselves. I know what helped me, so I
can give some hints to what can help. But I try not to give advice. Each user
must find ones own way.
I understand “taking oneself back”
as referring to taking back both the center of ones personality and ones entire
mind and body, including all of ones emotions (Møller 2008). This is not done
all by oneself but with others in order to create a social self. In Homer’s Odyssey (700 B.C./2006), Odysseus is
ashamed that certain people may see him crying. Shame is described as a reality
between people. Ruth says it can be caused by a sense of loss, perhaps of
something one has never had, and says crying can be experienced as a defeat:
Ruth_1: There
are many emotions that we hide, crying, anger, frustration, fear, dread umm…The
two most important emotions in the helping process are anger and crying…There
are many ways to weep. Often crying is caused by a sense of loss, the loss of
something they’ve never had. Then they cry over that. And they feel sorrow. In
the helping process it’s important for them to place guilt and responsibility
where they belong. They cry because the perpetrator could be so cruel and has
wounded them so many times, loads of times. Crying is often very appropriate.
It’s first after you’ve let yourself cry for the first time that you feel that
it helps…but of course a lot of people think crying is a sign of defeat…For
some people it has been dangerous to cry. The consequences could be great. They
carry these experiences with them.
Crying might seem to be a sign of
defeat, of giving up and losing control. Stempsey (2004) argues that those who
observe someone crying may interpret this as showing a lack of courage or a
defect in character. The function of shame can sometimes seem to prevent one
from losing face in front of others. Shame should prevent people from behaving
dishonourably. In my opinion, crying may open up the doors necessary to reveal
ones emotions and be an important factor in the healing process of shame.
Social workers need to have the insight that crying is not dangerous and allow
those asking for help to cry when this is necessary. Sometimes social workers
also feel the despair of the situation they are in with a person seeking help
and feel the need to cry. In my opinion social workers should also be permitted
to cry in order to reveal ones emotions and avoid the emotional consequences of
hiding ones sense of loss and sorrow.
Several participants in the
interviews describe their experience with crying. Margaret says that crying has
to do with feeling powerless and despair. This seems to me to be a reaction to a
situation characterized by hopelessness and in my opinion has much in common
with the darkness and emptiness which in Margaret perceives as being the center
of her personality and her entire mind and body, including all of her emotions.
Margaret_1: Powerlessness
(.) that hurts. Crying ( ) when
it’s there…It can be everything from anger-crying, anger-crying to umm real
down in the cellar crying…When you really get hold of your powerlessness and despair,
really feel it, and then you start sobbing..
By crying and revealing her
emotions, Margaret illustrates in my opinion that she is starting to take
herself back. She describes a variation of ways to cry. Observing the other
person and perceiving the form of crying that is revealed seems to be of value
in helping others. Dagny says that crying makes her partner feel like “shit”
sometimes and at the same time it helps likes “shit”. Her partner seems to be
uncomfortable with the crying situation.
Dagny: Sometimes
everything turns upside down and my partner doesn’t understand why I’m lying on
the floor and crying. I’m crying. Everything goes wrong when I lie there and
cry and he doesn’t understand why. He feels like shit because I’m crying… It’s
very complicated sometimes my feelings take completely off. I lie there on the
floor and just cry and cry and cry. I can’t stop. It feels shitty, but it also
helps like shit. It feels good to get it out… Just let it all out. You lie on
the floor and shiver and weep and empty your insides completely. If you just
dare do that, you have to feel secure, lay on the floor, nobody else is home,
nobody can see you, you can’t scare anyone, there’s no danger of anything
happening.
Helping partners to understand the
emotional work that is necessary in the healing process should in my opinion be
an important task in the social work with sexually abused men and women. It
takes courage as Dagny says to open up and reveal ones inner self. Having a
partner which can give respect and recognition in this situation is in my opinion
an important resource in the healing of shame. But instead if scaring her
partner and in order to feel safe when revealing her emotions, she cries alone.
Crying can be experiences as losing face in front of others and thereby induce
more shame. Anne feels shame when she cries because it signifies that she has
lost control.
Anne: I’m awfully ashamed after I’ve cried, because I’ve lost control and not
been strong enough.
Having control is important for many
who have been sexually abused and need assistance to let go of some of their
need for control. The informants show different ways of revealing ones
emotions, not only crying. Instead of risking losing face when crying some
chose more accepted ways of showing ones despair. Gunhild says she often laughs
where she should be crying.
Gunhild: We
often laugh instead of crying.
Several of the employees speak of
laughing after having listening to horrifying stories of sexual abuse. Instead
of crying after the conversation, laughter seems to be used to release emotions
together with other employees. This might also be a marker for shame (appendix
20) and considered as a handling strategy, a way of coping with a feeling of
shame. The sorrow and grief which is expressed at the Incest Centre is so
immense that laughter is necessary so as not to create a depressed and
miserable institution but instead be a place where joy and laughter also can
come forth, even thought “outsiders” might seem the laughter to be misplaced.
The employees use their many experiences in ways others might find difficult to
perceive, such as crying in many different ways and laughing when standing in
front of an abyss of Nothingness. In my opinion much can be learned by
observing what makes the employees at the Incest Centre in Vestfold capable of
helping other. This capability can in my opinion be called practical wisdom.
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