20.2 Revenge
Trude seems to blame herself for
being abused by her father and Weinberg (1994) argues that self-blame
negatively affects feelings of self-worth and consequently hinders recovery.
Blaming others does not directly decrease feelings of self-esteem, but, to the
extent that it leads to thoughts about seeking revenge, it potentially lessens
their feelings of regard for themselves and thereby also limits their recovery.
Three of the participants spoke of revenge in the interviews and they mentioned
for a total of seven times, suggesting in my opinion that this is not among the
most urgent subjects in this study. The
desire for revenge, argues Parkes and Weiss (1983), can keep people focused on
their loss and hinder them in the healing process. Satisfying ones thirst for
revenge is not an easy matter either. It might involve acts that are socially
disapproved or outright illegal. The pledge never to forget until justice is done
can in my opinion, become a pledge which makes recovery very difficult if not
impossible.
Olga, Trude and Sally speak of the silent
thirst for revenge they had in relation to desiring the death of mother, father
and stepfather. Olga had wished that her mother would die because she never was
there when she needed her. Her mother was often ill, and when her mother did
die, she felt that it was her fault because she had wished that she would die.
She doesn’t use the words guilt or shame, but she expresses a bad feeling in
connection to her mother’s death. Olga and Trude speak of the good feelings
they had when their father and stepfather died. They had abused them sexually
as children, and they describe that feeling as fantastic; it filled them with
joy and tranquillity, even though Trude also says that she was ashamed of
feeling so glad about the death of the man who had abused her.
Olga: I had real problems when she died…I was real mad at her because she
never was there for me ((Shakes both hands against each other)) I just wished she would die. ((Lifts
both shoulders and lifts both arms out from her body)). She was mad so often because she was sick. And then ((Her hands
fall down like an axe)) when she did die
right afterwards I felt that ((Points both hands at her chest)) I wished I’d never said it and that it was
my fault that she died. My wish came true.
Trude: I remember feeling ashamed the day he died because I was so glad. It
lasted only a moment, but it was shame I felt, standing there seeing that he
was dead…I can still feel that glad and happy feeling when I think of him dead,
just laying there, in complete silence. I feel tranquillity.
Sally: You get a kick when your abuser dies. You do. I think that’s
fantastic…I just felt joy when mine died…I didn’t weep, I rejoiced. It was evil
but I celebrated.
Blaming oneself for the death of a
parent as Olga has done, is irrational, but none the less disturbing. It was a
wish she had as a child that her mother should die, and when she because of an
illness, Olga blamed herself. Her wish had come true. Blaming oneself is
related to a feeling of guilt, and in this example an irrational guilt. Weinberg
(1995) has carried out a study on the relationship between self-blame for the
death of a loved one and the subsequent psychological recovery from the loss in
a sample of 244 persons who had suffered the death of a loved one. His data
indicates that the use of self-blame is associated with poorer long-term
adjustment. It was also found that self-blame often led people to make amends
or reparations. When self-blame was linked to making amends, it became
correlated with
favorable adjustment outcomes.
In Olga’s story which is characterized by a feeling of guilt, it might help
Olga to forgive herself for thoughts she has had about her mothers’ death, but
one should in my opinion also reflect upon the irrationality which lies behind
her guilt and distinguish between rational and irrational guilt. Trude on the
other hand feels shame for a moment after the death of her abuser. This feeling
of shame seems also to be irrational, and it lasted also only for a moment
before it was replaced by a more rational feeling of relief. This is also a
feeling which Sally agrees with Trude in. There’s no rational basis for feeling
guilt or shame over the death of ones abuser, and speaking together about this,
they seem to give each other support that it is permitted to let go of
irrational feelings of guilt and shame.
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