Part 5: Exploring the concept and phenomenon of shame
Part Five is the largest section in
the exploration and consists of 11 chapters. Here the concept and phenomenon of
shame is explored through a qualitative study where 19 employees and uses of
the Incest Centre in Vestfold were interviewed. The interviews were carried out
in five focus groups which were interviewed two times for a total of four hours
each, a total of 20 hours. I have also carried out in-depth interviews with
four of the participants for a total of six hours. All the interviews were
carried out in Norwegian, videotaped and transcribed. First after categorizing
the material in the analysis where quotations were chosen to be used in the
dissertation, was the Norwegian text translated to English. This might in my
opinion have reduced the validity of the material. The participants were
therefore given the opportunity to read the Norwegian transcriptions and the
English quotations used, and lists of critical categories are listed in the
appendix with the original Norwegian word that was used. Using quotations in
the text is meant to increase the validity of the investigation. The categories
derived from the analysis are divided in two main groups: self and others. And
the 11 chapters are created according to the analysis of 633 pages of
transcriptions. The relation between shame and self is explored and thereafter shames
relation to other emotions (guilt, anger and embarrassment), self-harming, body
and food. Shame in relation to others (significant others) consists of a
discussion of shames relation to fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters,
children and partners/sex. The results of the investigation show that shame involves
an acutely painful experience, individuals who experience shame will often feel
a sense of worthlessness, incompetence, a generalized feeling of contempt for
themselves, and these negative evaluations can engulf the entire self. The
results also show that sexually abused men and women suffer from the violation
of their dignity and not only from the assault on their bodies. At the core of
their sufferings lie disrespect, humiliation and degradation. The informants
speak of shame, guilt, and stigma when they describe themselves and portray
their lives with words that convey despair and suffering.
The growing number of research projects
regarding shame can be useful in drawing attention to the existence of shame in
large groups of people and several studies have highlighted important ways in
which early abusive family environments might contribute to the development of
shame and shame related problems (Gilbert, Allan and Goss 1996; Murray, Waller
and Legg 2000).
The notion of shame as a
context-free intra-psychic variable makes the social construction of shame less
visible and may distract researchers from investigating the management and
repair of experiences of shame and shameful identities. Leeming and Boyle
(2004) argue that it is perhaps difficult to define the concept of shame
because researchers are more interested in shame as a stigmatizing discourse
within a particular social context, the roles or subject positions available to
an individual, and with shame avoidance strategies.
Shame has been described by Scheff
(1995a) as the master emotion that shapes the nature of society, yet it seems
that it has received relatively little attention until the last few decades, at
least in comparison to other emotions. One reason for this might be the
suggestion set forth by Darwin
(1872/2007) that shame and other self-conscious emotions cannot be described
solely by examining a particular set of facial expressions. Shame is much more
complicated and one needs to observe bodily reactions more than facial cues.
Another complicating factor might be that shame is not produced by a single
clear or specific cause. Whereas happiness can for example be produced by
seeing a significant other, there are few specific situations which predictably
elicit shame. Lewis (2000) argues that shame, and other self-conscious
emotions, most likely require classes of events that can only be identified by
the individuals themselves.
Four participants in my study,
Sally, Ruth, Pia and Trude discuss whether shame is a positive or negative
emotion, or if shame can be both positive and negative at the same time? They
are all employed at the Incest Centre in Vestfold and have all suffered sexual
abuse as children. Shame makes one understand a transgression, says Sally, and
Ruth agrees that shame educates us, but she prefers to speak about the negative
effects of shame and shaming others. Shame does something to us on a deeper
level. Ruth argues that there is nothing positive about shame. Sally concludes
that although shame is destructive and negative, it can be changed into
something positive.
Sally: Shame can be something positive, too. If I, I mean if I am ashamed of
something I’ve done wrong (.) then it
has to be shame that makes me understand that I’ve done something wrong. I see
that I’ve done something I shouldn’t have done. That shame has to be something
positive. It’s positive because it makes me realize that I’ve done something
wrong.
Ruth: I believe that shame umm educates ((Points
to Sally)) us in a way.
Sally: Uh-huh
Ruth: But when we educate our children by shaming them, what are we really
doing? ... No, there’s nothing positive about shame. Shame is umm (.) destructive. (.) It does something to us on a deeper level.
Pia: That’s true.
Ruth: You become so [small.
Pia: [Uh-huh.
Ruth: When you’re ashamed. And what kind umm what have I done to deserve
feeling so small? The mistakes should be proportional to the shame I feel…The
bottom line is that shame is not something that is ok. There’s nothing good
about shame…It’s a horrible thing to feel small.
Trude: Small,
that’s a word I’ve been looking for for a long time. ((Looks towards Ruth))
and it ((Gazes into the air)) umm I have a feeling of shame that has
always haunted me. I believed it is a feeling that we all have, that we feel
shame and real small. Umm… ((Bites her lips together)) umm ((Nods her head)) and,
but I felt, and it’s there when I worked with these feelings and thought that I
was feeling guilt. But it was shame. And I, I, really wished that I were this
small ((Holds her thumb and index finger near each other))…((Bites her lips
together and nods her head)) Uh-huh I can
still feel it today. But I can’t do anything (.) ((Looks into the air)) it’s so unwieldy. It’s a feeling
((Places her hand on her chest)) inside
of me. That’s where I’ve put it.
Sally: We let the users here talk about their experiences and try to help them
to leave them behind… One way of doing this is to transform the negative
experience to a positive one, and I can also share my experience.
In my opinion it’s important to try
to understand ones life by looking back, finding ones story and sharing this
story with someone as Sally says. But Sally also say that this is done so that
the users can put the past behind them and live their lives forward by transforming
negative experiences into a positive one. Leaving ones victim identity in the
past and creating a survivor identity for the present and future seems to me as
one of the most important tasks at the Incest Centre.
The four women, who speak together
above, have two children each and discuss here how shame is sometimes used in
the upbringing of children. Sally says that shame can help us realize a wrongdoing.
This is a positive characteristic with shame. Not realizing a wrongdoing can be
comprehended as something negative, and such a person might be called “shameless”.
Ruth argues that shame is used in the upbringing of children. “Shame on you”, “you
should be ashamed of yourself”, “you’re a shame for the family” are ways we
might convey shame to our children. But Ruth asks what are we really doing when
we shame our children? She answers that we make them feel small. Ruth seems to
speak of child upbringing in a general sense, something we all do with our
children from time to time. Trude recognizes this feeling from her own history
of being sexual abuse by her father and this is something that has haunted her
for a long time. She can still feel the childhood sensation of being small
today. Feeling small seems to suggest a sensation of a diminishing self esteem,
a characteristic effect of being a victim. Vetlesen (2005) argues that shame
cannot have any positive attributes. On the contrary he says that shame is
connected to victimization:
For there to be shame, there must be victims; only in the perspective of
the victim will shame appear and lay claim to becoming an issue for reflection (2005: 136).
This statement implies, in my opinion that shame might diminish when a
victim becomes a survivor. It seems difficult if not impossible to heal shame
as long as the person feeling shame has the identity of a victim. Therefore, it
might seem imperative to focus on the victim identity and not directly on
shame. Sally, Ruth, Pia and Trude above do not speak of being a victim as a
positive experience. They say on the contrary that it seems unbelievable that
we deliberately victimize our children through shaming them. Children that are
shamed by their parents as a part of their upbringing are in my opinion, subject
to being victimized. This may not be the intention of the parents, and that is
why Ruth so distinctly says that shame is not something good. Ruth argues that
shaming our children is destructive. Victimizing our children by shaming them,
makes them feel small, reduces their self esteem, and may give them an
experience that will follow them for many, many years. There is naturally a
great difference in the level of seriousness in the victimization of children
through shaming them in child upbringing and in sexual abuse. But the general
consequence of “feeling small” may be a shared experience, though at different
levels of gravity. Ruth’s conclusion that “shame does something to us on a
deeper level” can be understood as “for
there to be shame, there must be victims” as mentioned above. How can one come
out of this victimized role of feeling small? What Sally is saying at the end
of this extract may give hint to the answer to this question. She argues that
the negative experience of shame can be transformed to something positive and
that this can be done by sharing ones shame experiences with other. My
understanding of Sally here is that this sharing is done through dealing ones shame
experiences with others through story telling. The stories that are told are
life histories. One should as Kierkegaard argues, understand ones life
backwards but live ones life forwards (1843/1968 A-164: 61). Looking back and
telling ones life story is important for understanding whom one is and is essential
for living ones life forward. Plummer (1995) argues that telling stories of
ones sexual abuse may give the storyteller power over ones life history and
thereby transform victims into survivors.
Very often, the experience has been denied by
the victim – much rape is so painful that the victim may repress all knowledge
of it. But when it has been recognized for what it is, the stigma of being
raped or abused may be sensed as so great that it has been kept silent…But over
the last past twenty years a new story has become more and more heard, more and
more visible. This takes the initial suffering, breaks the silence around it
(usually with the help of another women) and the uses the traumatic experience
as a mode of radical change – to become a survivor. (1995: 51)
In my
opinion, telling ones life story seems to be essential in order to change ones
victim identity to a survivor identity. It is my belief that there is a way out
of shame as Sally has argued above. One possible way seems to go through
acknowledging ones shame through story telling, stories about shame
experiences. I will in the following explore the concept and phenomenon of
shame through the stories given to me by workers and users of the Incest Centre
in Vestfold. I have categorized the stories in two main groups, those that have
to do with ones self and those that include others. In the following chapter I
will focus on the connection between shame and other emotions like guilt, anger
and embarrassment. Then I will explore the relation between shame and self-harm,
body and food. All these stories have to do with the consequences of shame to
the individual self being in shame within the context of sexual abuse. I start
therefore with an exploration of the concept and phenomenon of shame in
relation to self.
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