17.0 Self-harming
All of the participants speak of
self-harming in the interviews. Self-harming is mentioned 130 times by the
participants (appendix 4). Linda speaks of many forms of hurt that people
inflict on themselves; intoxication, slashing, isolation, eating disorders, razorblade
cuts, cigarette burns, and excessive running. Some also stop washing themselves
as a form of self-harm. She says that some boys also cut themselves, but this
is more common with women. Linda says that she used to run for two – three
hours after being abused and that it helped; she was exhausted and able to
think of other things than the abuse. She starts by saying that it is guilt and
shame that cause harming oneself, not the sexual abuse in itself, and that
eight out of ten users of the Incest Centre in Vestfold injure themselves.
Linda_1: It’s
usually guilt and shame that lead to intoxication, slashing and isolation, and
umm (.) and umm developing eating
disorders and bulimia and all that that involves…Quite a few people injure
themselves a lot, at least eight out of ten of those who come here. They hurt
themselves with razorblades, burning cigarettes and ((Makes a stumping
motion with the one hand against the other)) others punish themselves by not eating. I think that bulimia and
anorexia are ways of punishing oneself, and some use broken glass, rope that
they drag over their skin…There are some boys who cut themselves, but there are
far more girls. But that’s probably because we have mostly girls here…I did it
myself when I was younger. I used to run for two – three hours after I had been
abused. It helped get my mind on something else. I ran until I was exhausted
((Places a hand in front of her throat))
so I could stop thinking…Some people stop washing themselves as a form for
self-harming. They are dirty and deserve to be dirty ((Bites her lip)).
Linda seems to show that this is a
difficult topic to speak about, maybe also shame inducing, by placing her hand
in front of her throat when speaking of some of the self-harm she has done to
herself and biting her lip when she speaks of the feeling being dirty which
some users have and might be viewed as markers of shame (appendix 20). The
possible relation between sexual abuse and self-harm, does not mean that all
those who harm themselves have been sexually abused. It’s important to note
that Linda says that it’s usually guilt and shame which leads to the various
forms for self-harm, not sexual abuse in itself.
Margaret and Ruth confirm what Linda
says about the different ways in which sexually abused victims harm themselves.
Margaret says that those who slash themselves usually do not make very deep
cuts; they exercise control during their acts of self-harming. Ruth elaborates
over Linda observation that eight out of ten users of the Incest Center
injure themselves in on way or another, by arguing that six out of ten users of
the Incest Centre in Vestfold injure themselves so badly that they have scars
on their bodies. She explains self-harming as the transformation of
psychological pain into physical pain, something that gives a temporary feeling
of psychological relief. Ruth also speaks of some women who harm themselves by
having a great number of different sex partners; they feel that they do not
deserve anything better and let others use their bodies. She says that they
have developed a “non-relation” to their bodies.
Margaret_1: They
use razorblades, knives and things. They burn themselves with cigarettes…Usually
on their arms…They seem to have control because they don’t cut themselves very
deeply. Some have to sew some stitches. That’s not unusual.
Ruth_1: Some
cut themselves with razorblades on their nipples, arms and legs. Others burn
themselves with cigarettes. It’s very common. Among those I have met I’d say
that six or seven out of ten injure themselves so badly that they have scars on
their bodies. They transform the psychological pain into something physical
which they can control in a way. When I cut or slash myself; I release some of
the psychological pain I have inside…This is something that usually diminishes
umm there’s less self-punishment when they start putting their feelings into
words, expressing the burdens they are carrying. They sort out their thoughts
and experiences; umm change their view of themselves. Responsibility, guilt,
shame, and then the need to harm oneself diminish. This is because they find a
way of channelling it and putting it into words…They feel that they’re not
worth anything. They often believe that now I have to go out and injure myself.
I don’t deserve anything better. So they harm themselves and feel relief for a
short moment…Many women here have had a lot of sex partners. Umm sex with
several men at the same time. They don’t have any boundaries. Umm (.) some say that they are searching for
tenderness and care. And that’s where they get it when they can’t get it any
other place. Possibly they harm themselves by living this way, and they feel
that they don’t deserve anything better. They’re used to letting others use
their bodies. That’s what they know how to do…They don’t care if they get sick.
They hate their bodies anyway. I don’t deserve anything better anyway. It’s a
kind of non-relation to their bodies.
Linda speaks of how she harms
herself as a child by washing her skin until she felt pain. Later in life she
felt everything was filthy around her and she became obsessed with cleaning,
even painting the outside walls of her house pink, and vacuuming the driveway
from the entrance and down to the mailbox. She does not say that she had any medical
allergy, but only that she could not stand having dust around her. Everything
had to be clean, which lead her to washing the ceilings, walls and floors every
single day. Her situation became so serious
that she started to experience her dead father chasing her around the house.
She was finally admitted to a psychiatric clinic and received therapy there for
a psychotic condition for three years. Helga explains her obsession with exercise
and how she in a sense was intoxicated by it.
Linda_1: It
disappears in a way (.) with time,
but it takes a real long time, and I know that a lot of people do it ((Scratches
her head)). When I was young I couldn’t
do it because we didn’t have a shower, but we got one later ((Presses her
thumb against her lips)) (.) and I washed
and scrubbed myself clean; and I really scrubbed ((Scratches her chin)) myself till I was sore and in pain. I could
never get clean enough. I always felt filthy. I had a relapse when I was an
adult; I lived then where I live now. I felt that I was so dirty so I painted the
whole house pink ((Laughs)) and I
vacuumed the driveway all the way down to the mailbox. I couldn’t stand having
any dust indoors. I walked around in the house all day washing the walls,
ceilings, and I washed the curtains every single day. There wasn’t a single
mite of dust inside (.) the
house…When I started to be psychotic all of the abuse with my father came to
the surface again. He came alive for me again. I felt that he was chasing me ((Laughs)),
until a few years ago.
Kaare: You’ve been psychotic?
Linda: For three years.
Helga: Exercise
and exercise. I had to exercise. I got sick if I didn’t exercise. It didn’t
hurt. I can’t remember that it hurt. All I remember was that I got high from
it. I’ve had obsessions…It was sick. I can see that know. ((Shakes her
head))
Eight participants speak of washing
themselves as a form of obsession. They mention this 27 times in the interviews
(appendix 4). They speak of how they tried to wash away their shame and tried
to be something that they were not. Camilla and Ellen both say that it helped a
bit there and then. Ellen washed herself to such an extent that she still has
scars from it. All of them say that it was not possible to wash away their
shame, they never felt clean.
Sally: There are many ways people try to wash away their shame. You try to be
something you’re not.
Dagny: It’s not easy to wash it away.
Camilla: I still wash ((Laughs))
Kaare: Does it help any?
Camilla: Umm
there and then it does. But I’ve got eczema from washing so much. That’s what I
get for doing it. It becomes a compulsion (.) in a way. But it helps there and then. It’s not a problem for me
anymore. (.) No. I don’t think time
makes it much better.
Ellen: I understand all that about feeling dirty. (.) In the beginning I had to shower and scrub and wash myself, and I could
never get clean.
Helga: I’ve
done the same thing.
Ellen: I’ve still got scars from doing it.
Kaare: Did it help any?
Ellen: Yes it did, there and then. But I couldn’t
stay in the shower all day.
Helga: No matter how much you try to wash yourself,
you can’t get rid of it.
Ruth argues that starvation is also
a way many try to harm themselves. She argues that this has to do with control.
Transforming psychological pain into physical pain gives them the feeling that
they are in control. Many feel locked up, humiliated, and incapable of acting
and controlling their lives. Inflicting damage to oneself seems to be a way of
regaining a kind of control.
Kaare: Is
starving oneself self-destructive?
Ruth_1: Yes
of course, but it’s also a part of one’s image of being in control. Umm many
people experience the world as unpredictable, out of control, where abuse in a
way never has any rhythm. It becomes routine after a few years, there’s more
abuse, then they see it coming and try to avoid it (.) then it happens again. They know their abuser. It might just be the
look in his eye or the tone of his voice. Something he says tells you what he
wants but you never know when it is going to happen. So in order to have some
control you can start harming yourself, for example by developing an eating
disorder. At least a lot of them say that this makes them feel in control. It’s
easier to relate to the physical pain than to the psychological pain that’s
inside of you. It’s very common. They transform the psychological pain into
something physical that they can control. They’ve been locked up for years.
Incapable of acting. Humiliated. Umm (.)
not having any control (.) unable to
escape. They’ve been painted into a corner. ((Locks one hand inside the
other and tightens her grip)) Completely
locked up.
Milligan and Andrews (2005) have
carried out a study of 89 women to determine how childhood physical and sexual
abuse and the accompanying shame and guilt contribute to self damaging behavior.
They have also examined the mediating roles of shame and anger as links between
childhood abuse and inflicting injury to oneself. Their data shows that:
All shame, anger, and sexual abuse variables were significantly related
to self-harm, but only body-shame showed an independent relationship when all
variables were considered together (2005:13).
Body-shame was most strongly
associated with sexual abuse. Both child sexual abuse and body-shame made
significant independent contributions to self-harm; however, bodily shame
demonstrated the strongest effect, partially mediating the effect on sexual
abuse. The study to Milligan and Andrews (2005) demonstrates a significant
statistical relationship between shame and self-harming behavior in women and
seems to confirm the information given by the participants in my study.
In this section, I have shown that
harming oneself is common in users of the Incest Centre in Vestfold. It appears
that as many as eight out of ten harm themselves in various ways, and six out
of ten harm themselves so badly that they have scars from self-inflicted
wounds. Transforming psychological pain into physical pain seems to give a kind
of temporary relief. Self-harming seems to stem from feeling shame and not
directly from the sexual abuse. In addition, self-harming does not seem to
solve any problems; on the contrary it seems to cause even more shame and guilt
in a negative evolving self-harm spiral and thereby increasing the suffering.
Ruth speaks of a “non-relation” that many people have to their bodies. I will
now take a closer look at what the participants say regarding the body and its
relation to shame.
No comments:
Post a Comment