9.5 The sources of shame
In order to answer the question of
what makes people feel shame, it seems necessary first to reflect upon this
human capacity. It seems clear that these emotions involve feeling bad, and the
capacity to feel shame and guilt therefore builds on a natural basis of feeling
bad. Both shame and guilt can be understood as involving an unpleasant awakening
and both are also related to anxiety (Lewis 1971).
Baumester et al. (1994) propose two
sources that guilt and shame can stem from: the awakening of empathy and the
anxiety associated with social exclusion. Both of these are important and vigorous
sources of emotions and motivation in close communal relations. Humans are
prepared to feel empathic despair in reaction to the suffering of others. Guilt
and shame combines empathic despair with a sense of responsibility for the
distress and suffering of others. This is discussed further by Hoffman (1982)
in Development of Prosocial Behavior:
Empathy and Guilt. Here he argues that when one sees the sufferings of
others, one will feel badly, and this bad feeling is the basis of guilt and
shame. Even if empathic despair can arise in response to any kind of suffering,
it is usually acknowledged as at it strongest in close relationships. Communal
concern for the well-being of others is probably strongly bound up with
empathic reactions. Together with empathy, belonging and devotion are powerful
foundations for emotional reactions.
Humans experience anxiety when they
face the threat of separation (Scheff and Retzinger 1991). Incidents which
increase the threat of social exclusion may create anxiety which presents
itself in the form of guilt or shame. This is particularly true if one has done
something which may cause rejection from a partner. The result of the anxiety
could then be experienced as guilt or shame. Guilt and shame often focus on
those who are closest to one’s self but can also reflect the increasing feeling
of communion with other people. Seen this way, as Baumeister et al. (1994)
argue, the emotional basis for guilt and shame has a strong interpersonal
component. This view differs considerably from perspectives that are based on
factors like castration anxiety, self-aggression, or the conditioned
anticipation of punishment put forth by Freud (1930/2005). The emotional roots
of guilt and shame seem to lie in human belonging and awareness; this involves
the human capacity to feel the suffering and despair of others and the basic
fear of alienating actual or potential relationship partners. In one of my
interviews, Margaret talks about the importance of accepting emotions as part
of our lives, and says that all of our emotions, even shame and guilt, should
be looked upon as positive.
Margaret_1: I think
everything about emotions is positive…When you’ve experienced something very
disturbing, then you need to get hold of the emotions in it. That’s fine in my
opinion…If I don’t get hold of what I feel, then they just sit there and grind
inside me. And then you can find yourself in different kinds of situations that
trigger these emotions, those that are just lying there, waiting. That’s why I
believe that the more you can open up,
the better and freer you’ll feel…When you talk, everything is just
mental and you don’t get hold of your emotions…Emotions are in the body…Often
in the stomach ((scratches her nose)) yeah
very much in the stomach…Umm they lie here ((her hand strokes the upper
part of her body)), emotions lie here ((places
her hand on her stomach)), emotions ((strokes
her stomach)). It’s like having a stomach
ache when you’re nervous about something, then your stomach aches…They are the
innermost parts of us, these emotions. They’re strong stuff…When you’re working
to get your emotions up and out and to get free, you’re able to open up for the
world outside, something which you couldn’t do when you felt that you were
stuck…Those who struggle and feel the abuse physically, uhh they can feel a
whole lot of pain (.), not just
afterwards but also during the process of working through, trying to get rid of
the emotions. That can hurt real bad…The first commandment is always to accept
the emotions you have. For example it’s really complicated to feel that you
love your mother and at the same time despise her. But you have to let it out,
whatever it is. Don’t feel ashamed about it and about yourself because you feel
the way you do. It’s ok to feel that way. I’ve got a damned right to feel like
that. I say that to myself all the time…If we hold everything back, than we’re
just standing still. We don’t move. But if we provide a secure environment, so
that they can be exactly who they are, and feel that it’s ok that they feel the
way they do, whatever it is, if it’s shame, guilt, rage, hate, anger, whatever,
but they have to let go of something and leave it here.
Emotions are a part of us, of whom
we are, and Margaret argues that it is essential that we accept the large
variations of emotions in our fellow human being. She says that all of our
emotions are important. Scheff (2003) considers shame to be one of the most
important emotions in everyday life and the most important of all of our social
emotions. He argues that this is because shame has more functions than other
emotions. Shame is a major component of our conscience; it is a moral emotion.
Shame signals a moral transgression even without thoughts and words. Shame
comes into being in situations characterized by a threat against inter
relational bonds. It signals that there are problems in a relationship; it
conveys the feeling of having failed to live up to one’s social and moral
standards. Shame also plays a part in how we express and comprehend all of our
other emotions. One can be so shameful over all of one’s emotions that they can
be totally suppressed. Still, shame often proves to be almost invisible because
of the taboo that arises as a result of the denial and silence in our modern
society[1].
[1] Many researchers have written about
this during the last decades. I wish to mention here especially Helen Block
Lewis (1971) who explored shame over 25 years as part of her practice as a
psychoanalytic psychiatrist and the psychologist Gershen Kaufman (1989, 1991
and 1996) who has developed a powerful and multi-dimensional view of shame.
No comments:
Post a Comment