9.4 Shame and communal relationships
Isen (1984/1994) argues that communal
relationships (built on common interests) between people seem to have unspoken
rules which involve concern for the well-being of others. A consequence of this
is that people in such relations do certain things simply because they wish to
help each other, without anticipating the return of a good deed. This contrasts
with partners in exchange relationships which build on the expectation of
reciprocity in order to maintain a balance in the relationship. People seem to
be ready to act together, even with strangers, in such a situation because they
anticipate the possible development of a communal relationship. They respond to
each others’ needs, even though nothing can be done to meet these needs there
and then; they help their partners; they feel better after giving help (both in
terms of mood and in a self-evaluation), and are more aware of their partners’
emotional condition.
Clark, Mills and Corcoran (1989)
explain the connection between communal and exchange relationships in their
article Keeping Track of Needs and Inputs
of Friends and Strangers. They state that many relations are not pure
communal or exchange relations, but a combination of both of these and
therefore that guilt and shame in all relations primarily come from the
communal component. Describing guilt and shame as interpersonal phenomena can
mean very different things depending on whether one is speaking of a communal
or an exchange relationship. Freud (1930/2005) argues that the social basis of
guilt is totally explainable in terms of exchange relationships. He considers
guilt to be a product of human habituation to life in a civilised society. The
meaning of such habituation is that all members must give up certain
inclinations and needs so that everyone can be protected from being offended by
others. Guilt says Freud, is a result of an internal mechanism which makes each
individual obey group rules and therefore makes exchange relations possible.
If one analyses guilt and shame in
communal relations, the expense-gain analysis may have a different meaning. One
might see that guilt and shame are formed to strengthen the common interests of
communal relations, and to protect the interpersonal bonds between individuals.
Upholding and restoring the function of guilt can therefore strengthen
relations. It also seems that people want and perhaps also need communal
relations, so that they sometimes react according to the strictures of communal
norms, just because the other is a potentially accessible social relation. Many
people will adopt an accepted form of behavior, simply because they believe
that the person they have just met may perhaps become part of the relation.
This is important in order to understand why some people react with feelings of
guilt and shame with apparent strangers; these feelings would otherwise be
reserved for more intimate partners. An example of this is when people visit
the Incest Centre in Vestfold for the first time, without knowing a single
person there. Even though they are all strangers, people still react with shame
and guilt when they first arrive. Ruth describes the situation, first in the
focus group interview and later in the in-depth interview as follows:
Ruth: It’s connected with shame just to walk in the door here. Are you
capable of saying hallo? I understand if you not able to touch me.
Ruth_1: It’s
so hard to come here the first time. I just don’t understand how you were
capable of meeting me, as ugly and disgusting as I am.
Ruth describes the shame many feel
when they expose themselves to the Incest
Center. Just coming in
the door is enough. Treating people with respect and recognition in this stage
seems in my opinion to be very important.
Kaare T. Pettersen
Reference:
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