Shame, Guilt—and the Slow Work of Healing

There are moments in life when something in us quietly collapses.

Not necessarily because we have broken a law.
Not because someone has pointed a finger at us.
But because something in the relationship—to ourselves, or to another human being—has been disturbed.

We call it shame.
Sometimes guilt.
Often, we are not even sure what to call it.

In my own work with the sexual abuse og children and adults since 1982, I have met hundreds of people who carry this as an unbearable burden.. This was also what I wrote about in my Ph.D. thesis (see references below). Sometimes visibly, but more often silently. It is not always something they can explain. It is something they feel—in their body, in their relationships, in the way they withdraw or hesitate in the world.

The philosopher Martin Buber helps us here. He reminds us that there is a form of guilt—and I would say also shame—that cannot be reduced to psychology, diagnoses, or hidden memories. It arises in the space between people. In relationships. In the way we either meet—or fail to meet—one another (Buber, 1958)

Buber says that it is not enough with a small beam of light.

What is needed is an ocean of light.

Illustration created by Open AI/ChatGPT in cooperation with the author.

When Something Falls Between Us

We do not exist alone. Each of us stands, always, in relation to others.

This is what makes life possible. It is also what makes us vulnerable.

A relationship can remain distant and objective. But sometimes, something more happens. We step into a personal encounter. We open ourselves. And in that opening, something is at stake.

Because in that same space, there is also the possibility of:

acceptance
rejection
transgression

When something is violated in this space, a wound appears.

And here is something important I have learned, both professionally and personally:

The wound cannot be healed by someone else.

But it can be met by someone else.

And that matters.

Helping Without Taking Over

When we meet a person who carries shame or guilt, there is often a temptation:
to guide, to explain, to show the way.

But this is not how healing works.

No one can be shown “the correct path” through shame. Each person must find their own way. Their own movement. Their own truth.

And yet—we are not without a role.

We can accompany.
We can help the person come to a place where a path becomes visible.
A starting point. A first step.

Sometimes that is enough.

Three Spaces We Move Within

Buber describes three different spheres in which guilt—and I would say also shame—can be understood:

the judicial sphere
the sphere of conscience
the sphere of faith

These are not just abstract categories. They are ways of understanding how a human being relates to themselves, to others, and to something beyond.

1. The Judicial Sphere – Society’s Gaze

This is the sphere of laws, rules, and judgments.

Here, guilt is something that can be declared, punished, and regulated. Society sets the terms.

We also know—through thinkers like Martha Nussbaum—that shame can be used socially, even politically, as a way of controlling or disciplining people.

But as helpers, therapists, or fellow human beings, this is not our field.

We are not there to judge.
Nor to reinforce shame.

2. The Sphere of Faith – The Inner Relationship to the Absolute

This is a deeply personal space.

It concerns the individual’s relationship to God, or to something ultimate. Here we find confession, forgiveness, fear, hope.

But this is also not a space we can enter on behalf of another person.

If someone struggles here, we must be careful. This is sacred ground.
To intervene without understanding can do more harm than good.

3. The Sphere of Conscience – Where Healing Becomes Possible

This is where something begins to open.

Here, the person turns toward themselves. Not to punish—but to understand.

And here, I believe, is where we can meet another human being in a meaningful way.

Buber points to three movements within this sphere:

self-knowledge
endurance
expiation

Let me stay with these for a moment.

Martin Buber 1878-1965. Photo from Wikipedia

To See Oneself Clearly

Self-knowledge is not comfortable.

It requires honesty. It asks us to look at who we have been—and who we are becoming.

Buber describes conscience as the human ability to distinguish between what we once approved of and what we now cannot accept.

There is something deeply human in this.
We are the only beings, as far as we know, who can step back—not only from the world, but from ourselves.

And in that distance, something important can happen.

To Endure What We Discover

Insight alone is not enough.

What we see, we must also be able to bear.

Endurance is not about punishment. It is about staying present in what is difficult—without collapsing, without fleeing.

Many people who struggle with shame know this place well. It can feel like quicksand. The more one struggles, the deeper one sinks.

And yet, slowly, it is possible to stand.

To Make Amends Without Destroying Oneself

Expiation is a delicate movement.

It is not the same as self-punishment.
Not the same as inflicting more suffering on oneself.

It is about repair. About making things right—where that is possible.

And equally important: knowing when repair must take another form.

Sometimes, the deepest movement is not outward—but inward.

When Shame Becomes Existential

One of the most important insights in Buber’s thinking is this:

Shame is not primarily about breaking rules.

It is about something deeper—something existential.

We may follow all the rules and still feel shame.
And we may break rules without feeling it.

Shame arises when something in our relationship to our own existence is disturbed.

And this is why it cannot be reduced to social norms or psychological categories alone.

To take responsibility for this kind of shame is not about obeying rules.
It is about taking responsibility for one’s own life.

The Turning Point

There is a moment—sometimes quiet, almost invisible—when something shifts.

A person who has been caught in shame begins to turn toward themselves.

Not with condemnation.
But with courage.

Buber describes this as a movement from lower levels of conscience—where the self punishes and tortures itself—to higher levels, where a person begins to reclaim their own life.

I have seen this moment.

It does not come through pressure.
Not through advice.

It comes when a person dares to see—and still remain.

An Ocean of Light

Buber uses a powerful image.

He says that it is not enough with a small beam of light.
What is needed is an ocean of light.

A full awakening.

This awakening does not deny the past.
It does not erase what has happened.

But it allows a person to say:

The one I was… and the one I am… are the same person.

And from that place, something new becomes possible.

Toward Restoration

Healing is not about becoming someone else.

It is about becoming oneself—more fully, more truthfully.

This requires effort.
It requires energy.
It requires, sometimes, a deep devotion—to others, and to life itself.

There is also a danger here: the splitting of the self. The feeling of being divided, contradictory, lost.

To heal is, in part, to gather oneself again.

And Perhaps This Is the Most Hopeful Thought

Buber says something that has stayed with me:

We cannot do evil with our whole being.
But we can do good with our whole being.

And perhaps this is where hope lies.

Because when a person finds their true self—not the defended self, not the ashamed self, but the deeper one—then something shifts.

Good does not have to be forced.

It begins to happen.

References

Buber, M. (1958). Schuld und Schuldgefühle. Heidelberg: Heidelberg.

Nussbaum, M. C. (2001). Upheavals of Thought: The Intelligence of Emotions. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Nussbaum, M. C. (2004). Hiding from Humanity: Disgust, Shame, and the Law. Princeton: Princeton University Press.

Pettersen, Kaare Torgny, 2009: An Exploration into the Concept and Phenomenon of Shame within the Context of Child Sexual Abuse. An Existential-Dialogical Perspectiveof Social Work within the Settings of a Norwegian Incest Centre. PhD 2009 Department of Social Work and Health Science Faculty of Social Sciences and Technology Management. Norwegian University of Science and Technology, NTNU, Trondheim, Norway. Doctoral theses 2009: 184