Can Empathy Be Learned?
When the Other Has to Tell Us
Can empathy be learned? The question appears simple, but it becomes more difficult as soon as we try to answer it. What, exactly, are we trying to learn? To feel what another person feels? To understand how the world looks from the other person’s point of view? To show that we have understood? Or to act in a way that genuinely helps?
These are not the same thing. Empathy is not a single quality that some people possess in abundance and others possess only in small measure. It involves feeling, understanding, motivation and action. We therefore cannot give a single, uncomplicated answer to the question of whether empathy can be learned.
My own profile on the autism spectrum makes the question concrete. I lack the capacity for mentalisation—Theory of Mind. I can feel another person’s pain, and when I am told how someone feels, I can enter into their situation. But I am blind to the social situation. The other person’s inner state does not become available to me through spontaneous and intuitive perception. I have to be told how the other person feels.
This is not the same as lacking compassion. It is a lack of access to information that other people often perceive without its being expressed in words.
How can empathy be learned when the capacity for mentalisation itself is absent?
More Than One Path to Empathy
A review of empathy research found more than sixty different definitions of the concept. Some emphasise emotional resonance, while others focus on understanding, care or action. Two studies may therefore claim to measure empathy while actually investigating quite different phenomena.
It has become common to distinguish between affective and cognitive empathy. Affective empathy is the emotional resonance that may arise when we encounter another person’s joy or pain. Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand the other person’s perspective and emotional state. This dimension is closely related to mentalisation: the ability to form an idea of what other people think, feel, know or intend.
Empathy may also include the motivation to care and the action that follows. We listen, ask, comfort, acknowledge or offer help. Empathy then becomes not only something we feel or understand, but also something we do.
These dimensions do not necessarily occur together. A person may be deeply affected by someone else’s pain without understanding what the other person needs. Another may understand someone’s feelings precisely without caring about them. A person who knows where another is vulnerable can use that knowledge to help, but also to manipulate or harm.
Empathy is therefore not the same as goodness. It may open the way to moral action, but it does not guarantee it.
My own experience also shows that emotional empathy and mentalisation can be separated. I can feel the pain once I have access to it, but I do not necessarily discover it on my own. The difficulty does not always lie in an absent feeling. It may lie in a signal that has not been perceived.
When the other person tells me, a path to understanding opens.
What Can Actually Be Learned?
Research offers a cautious yes to the question of whether empathy can be learned. Meta-analyses of controlled studies generally find small to moderate effects from empathy training. The most comprehensive studies also suggest that some aspects of empathy are easier to influence than others.
Emotional empathy appears to be the most difficult to change, and the effects of training are often short-lived. Perspective-taking and cognitive understanding can be developed to some degree, but these effects also tend to diminish over time. Training seems to have a more lasting influence on the motivation to care and, especially, on empathic behaviour. It may therefore be easier to learn to listen and act empathically than to produce a particular feeling.
This supports the idea that empathy is not only something we have, but something we do.
Research findings, however, describe average changes within groups. They do not show that every person can learn every dimension of empathy. Nor do they show that a congenital lack of mentalisation can be trained away.
For people on the autism spectrum, learning may therefore mean something different. What develops is not necessarily an intuitive Theory of Mind, but conscious and compensatory strategies. A person can learn to ask direct questions, request clear information, check whether something has been understood correctly and draw on experience from previous situations.
It is possible to arrive at understanding through conscious reasoning even when spontaneous mentalisation is absent. But this alternative route requires more time and mental energy. It may also fail more easily in unfamiliar, confusing or stressful situations. Learning does not necessarily mean that the congenital difference disappears. It may mean finding another path towards empathic understanding and action.
As early as 2000, Erik Falkum wrote that early relationships lay important stones in the foundation of empathy, but that the ability to read another person’s individual expressions can continue to develop throughout life. At the same time, he emphasised that empathy is shaped not only by personality and upbringing. It is also affected by structural conditions. Time pressure, technology and demands for efficiency may inhibit the empathy that a physician or other helping professional is actually able to express.
It is possible to understand another person’s situation without being given the time or space to act on that understanding. Institutions do not only teach people to be empathic. They may also teach them to hurry past.
Empathy as a Shared Task
Putting oneself in another person’s place is a common description of empathy. But the expression can be misleading. I can never fully enter another person’s place. When I imagine how the other person feels, I may end up describing how I would feel in the same situation.
Empathy therefore requires more than imagination. It requires allowing the other person to correct my assumptions.
An empathic question is not only: “How would I feel if I were you?” It is also: “What is this like for you?” I must then be willing to hear that the answer is different from what I expected.
For a person who lacks spontaneous mentalisation, the question does more than correct a possible misinterpretation. It may provide the very entrance to understanding.
Responsibility cannot therefore be placed solely on the person who has difficulty with mentalisation. Empathic communication is a shared task. I can learn to ask. The other person can learn to answer clearly and not assume that feelings and needs can always be read between the lines.
Recent autism research describes this as the double empathy problem. Misunderstandings between autistic and non-autistic people do not necessarily arise because one party lacks empathy. People with different ways of experiencing and communicating may have difficulty understanding one another in both directions. Studies have shown that communication between autistic people can work well, while misunderstandings are more likely to occur when different styles of communication meet.
This does not remove my blindness to the situation. But it places it within a relationship. The autistic person may lack access to the other person’s unspoken inner state. At the same time, the other person may not understand that this information needs to be expressed clearly.
Understanding becomes possible when both people take a step.
The Limits of Empathy
Empathy is often discussed as though more must always be better. Both research and philosophy give us reason to be more cautious.
Emotional empathy is usually strongest towards people who are close to us, resemble us or whose suffering is presented vividly. One visible person may evoke a stronger response than a thousand strangers. Empathy may draw our attention towards the person who touches us, while justice demands that we also see those who are distant, silent or invisible.
Empathy can also be used strategically. Understanding another person’s thoughts and feelings may make it easier to help, but it may also make it easier to deceive, control or inflict pain. The moral question is not only whether we understand the other person, but what we use that understanding for.
Strong emotional resonance can also become overwhelming. If the helper is filled with the other person’s pain, attention may shift from the person who is suffering to the helper’s own distress. Research therefore distinguishes between empathic distress and compassion. Compassion means not only that I am affected by suffering, but that this response takes a caring and action-oriented form.
Sharing another person’s pain is not necessarily the same as helping.
Empathy therefore needs emotional regulation, judgement and moral principles. It must be accompanied by compassion and justice.
Asking Before We Assume
Empathy can be learned, but not as a rule that is stored in memory once and for all. It must be practised. We can learn to pause before interpreting, to ask before assuming, to check whether we have understood correctly, and to act with care even when understanding does not arise spontaneously.
But not everyone learns empathy in the same way. For some, understanding arises quickly and intuitively. Others must take a more deliberate path through questions, clear information, experience and reflection. A learned empathic action is not necessarily less genuine because it does not arise from spontaneous social intuition. For the person being met, what matters may be that someone stops, listens and takes what has been said seriously.
Research therefore gives us a qualified yes. Empathic skills can be developed. We can learn to listen more carefully, ask more clearly and act with greater care. But we cannot assume that everyone has the same intuitive access to the inner lives of others.
Some people can see that another person is in pain. Others have to be told.
What matters is not that everyone perceives in the same way, but that there is a path from the other person’s experience to our understanding. Sometimes that path begins with a look. At other times, it begins with words:
Tell me how you feel.
Sources and Further Reading
For an introduction to whether empathy can be developed through learning, the meta-analyses by Teding van Berkhout and Malouff and by Wu and colleagues provide useful starting points. Song and colleagues examine different dimensions of empathy among people on the autism spectrum, while Livingston and Happé discuss how conscious strategies may compensate for an underlying neurological difference. Crompton and colleagues explore the double empathy problem and show that social understanding also depends on who is communicating with whom. Falkum’s Norwegian article is older, but remains valuable because it situates empathy both within individual development and within the institutional conditions surrounding human encounters.
Crompton, C. J., Ropar, D., Evans-Williams, C. V. M., Flynn, E. G., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704–1712.
Falkum, E. (2000). Kan empati læres? [Can empathy be learned?]. Tidsskrift for Den norske legeforening, 120, 3662.
Livingston, L. A., & Happé, F. (2017). Conceptualising compensation in neurodevelopmental disorders: Reflections from autism spectrum disorder. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 80, 729–742.
Song, Y., Nie, T., Shi, W., Zhao, X., & Yang, Y. (2019). Empathy impairment in individuals with autism spectrum conditions from a multidimensional perspective: A meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, Article 1902.
Teding van Berkhout, E., & Malouff, J. M. (2016). The efficacy of empathy training: A meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 63(1), 32–41.
Wu, X., Yao, S.-C., Lu, X.-J., Zhou, Y.-Q., Kong, Y.-Z., & Hu, L. (2024). Categories of training to improve empathy: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 150(10), 1237–1260.
What matters is not that everyone perceives in the same way,
but that there is a path from the other person’s experience to our understanding.
Sometimes that path begins with a look. At other times, it begins with words:
Tell me how you feel.
This essay was written in a conversation with Claude/Anthropic and OpenAI/ChatGPT