As a Girl Among Others
On Children’s Play, Gender, and the Struggle to Belong
A child does not become herself alone. She becomes herself among others.
This may sound simple. Yet it contains one of the most important insights in the understanding of children’s development. Children do not develop their identity only from within, as if personality slowly unfolds independently of its surroundings. They develop in interaction, in play, in language, in friendship, in rejection, in glances, in laughter, and in small and large negotiations about who they are, who they are allowed to be, and who they are not allowed to be.
The lecture Interaction Between Children as Gendered and Gender-Creating Processes takes precisely this as its point of departure. It shows how children’s development can be understood as social and cultural processes, where gender is not only something children “have,” but something that is continually created, confirmed, tested, and regulated in interaction with other children.
From this perspective, gender is not only a biological or individual category. It becomes a practice. It becomes something that happens. It happens when children play. It happens when they say “we” and “they.” It happens when some are allowed to join in, while others are kept outside. It happens when a girl is told that she is “vain,” or when a friendship between a boy and a girl cannot be understood simply as friendship, but is immediately interpreted as something else. It happens during recess, in the classroom, on the way home from school, and in the neighbourhood.
In this sense, children’s everyday lives are far more philosophically interesting than we often notice. In small situations, we can see how the human being becomes herself in relation to others. Children negotiate meaning long before they have concepts for negotiation. They struggle for recognition long before they can formulate a theory of recognition. They experience exclusion long before they can use words such as marginalisation, social identity, or exclusion.
One of the strongest points in the lecture is its attention to children’s “we” and “they.” Children describe the world through such distinctions. “We” do this. “They” do that. “We” like this. “They” are different. Such distinctions may be innocent and necessary. Children need communities. They need belonging. They need to experience that they belong with someone.
But “we” also always creates a boundary. Where there is a “we,” there are often also those who are not included. It may be the other children in the class, the others in the neighbourhood, the boys, the girls, those who are too childish, those who are too vain, those who do not fit into the game, or those who do not quite understand the social codes.
Children’s “we” is therefore not merely a word. It is a social arrangement. It offers security, but it can also create vulnerability. It opens a door for some and closes it for others.
In the lecture, the stories of Anna and Aleksandra are used as analytical contrasts. They should not be understood as types or as representatives of all girls. This is precisely what is important. They are children with their own particular experiences, and at the same time their stories make it possible to see something more general about how gender, belonging, and self-understanding are formed among children.
Anna stands in a more exposed borderland. She drops all the books from her schoolbag in the classroom, and almost everyone laughs. In her story, a distinction emerges between herself and “the others.” The others are not necessarily specific individuals. They become a field, a collective social force. She stands alone before them.
This is a small incident. A schoolbag falls. Books lie scattered across the floor. Children laugh. But such small incidents can carry great significance. For the child, it is not merely a practical mishap. It can become an experience of being visible in the wrong way. Of becoming the object of other people’s gaze. Of sensing that the community, for a moment, does not carry her, but turns against her.
It is in such moments that children’s self-understanding may be touched. Who am I to the others? Am I one of us? Or am I someone they laugh at?
Anna also moves in a landscape where gender regulates what is possible. As a girl, she is understood and met in particular ways. When she directs social initiatives beyond the group of girls, she receives responses. A boy cannot simply be a friend; he must almost be understood as a boyfriend. Her room for action is thereby narrowed. The children’s world interprets her before she has time to define the situation herself.
This is an important point. Gender does not only function as an identity the child expresses. It also functions as a framework of interpretation that others apply to the child. The child is seen as a girl or a boy, and this gaze has consequences. Some actions become understandable. Others become suspicious. Some communities become accessible. Others become difficult.
Aleksandra appears differently. She is more securely situated within the girls’ “we.” She does not move as clearly into the borderland where others find it necessary to put her in her place. She is one of the girls, and it is within this position that she establishes socially recognised forms of belonging. She, too, creates her own developmental path, but she does so within frames that are more clearly confirmed by others.
The contrast between Anna and Aleksandra therefore shows both freedom and limitation. Children are creative. They are not passive recipients of norms. They interpret, test, negotiate, and act. But they do not create themselves in an empty space. It is not accidental what they can create, or how they can do it. The social and cultural frames are already there. The child can move within them, sometimes expand them, sometimes challenge them, but not without risk.
This may be one of the most interesting aspects of children’s play. Play may appear free. It may be full of imagination, movement, and spontaneity. But play too has rules, roles, and boundaries. The lecture mentions the horse game during recess. The girls who began the game were horses, horse owners, or stable girls. When the boys later joined the game, they became gorillas, panthers, pythons, and other wild animals.
This small example says a great deal. The play opens up community across gender, but it does not do so by abolishing gender differences. The boys enter the game, but often through other figures and roles. They do not simply become horses in the same way as the girls. They become wild animals. Difference is thereby negotiated into the community. The children find a way of being together, but they do so through culturally recognisable expressions of gender, body, force, and role.
An adult could easily overlook this. One might say: They are only playing. But children are never “only” playing. In play, they test the world. They test one another. They test possible identities. They learn what is allowed, what is strange, what gives status, what creates laughter, and what leads to rejection.
The schoolyard is therefore not merely a pause area between lessons. It is a social workshop. Belonging and exclusion are produced there. Power, friendship, loyalty, gender, language, and bodily presence are practised there. Small incidents arise there that adults often forget, but that children may carry with them for a long time.
The lecture also contains an important methodological point. The children’s stories are created through conversations. The researcher asks them to describe concrete events as they follow one another through a day, and invites them to reflect on the personal and social meaning of these events. The research interview is therefore not merely a technique for extracting information. It becomes a conversation in which the child is given the opportunity to see her own experience from a certain distance.
Reflection here becomes a social process. In order to reflect, one must be able to stop. One must be able to take a small step back from the immediate stream of events. One must be able to see oneself from the outside, or to see the event through the eyes of others. This requires language, safety, and a conversation partner who makes wondering possible.
This is a beautiful and at the same time demanding point. Children have experiences, but they do not always have the space to understand them. They live in situations, but sometimes need help to see what those situations mean. They know that something hurt, but not necessarily why. They know that they belong, or do not belong, but they do not always have the concepts to describe the social order in which they stand.
Here there is also a practical-philosophical challenge for adults. We must not only ask what children do. We must also ask what what they do means. We must not only register that some children play together while others stand outside. We must try to understand which boundaries are being drawn, which communities are being formed, and which children must constantly negotiate harder than others in order to belong.
This does not mean that adults should monitor children’s play or interpret everything that happens as an expression of power and oppression. Children need space for freedom. They also need space for conflicts, experimentation, and independent social learning. But adults need a more attentive gaze, because children’s communities are not always innocent. They can be warm, creative, and open. They can also be merciless.
For a teacher, social worker, milieu therapist, or child welfare worker, the question is therefore not only whether the child functions. The question is also where the child is allowed to be herself. Which forms of “we” does the child have access to? Among which forms of “they” is the child placed? What possibilities does the child have to create herself without being corrected back into a narrow role?
This does not apply only to girls. It also applies, of course, to boys. Boys too encounter expectations about how they should be, what they may like, whom they may be friends with, how they may show vulnerability, and what forms of bodily expression give social recognition. But the material in the lecture shows in particular how girls may be understood, regulated, and positioned as girls in interaction with other children.
When we say that children are both gendered and gender-creating, we are therefore saying something double. They are shaped by cultural norms, but they also help shape them. They do not simply take over the categories of the adult world. They work on them within their own communities. They make them concrete in play, teasing, friendship, secrets, invitations, and rejections.
This makes children’s everyday lives ethically important. They are not merely a preparation for life later on. They are life now. Children’s experiences of belonging or not belonging are not small because children are small. They may be decisive for how the child understands herself.
Perhaps this is why we adults must learn to see the small situations anew. The falling schoolbag. The laughter in the classroom. The girl who is called vain. The boy who cannot be a friend without being made into a boyfriend. The horse game where some become horses and others become wild animals. The “we” that offers warmth. The “they” that creates distance.
In all of this, the child’s world is created.
And in this world, the child is also created.