Love Your Neighbor as Yourself
On self-love, those closest to us, and the right not to like everyone
“Love your neighbor as yourself.”
I have heard these words so many times that they have almost lost their capacity to unsettle. They sound kind. Perhaps even self-evident. We should be good to others. We should also be good to ourselves.
But I am not sure the words are quite so simple.
For I do not love everyone as I love myself. Still less do I love everyone as I love my wife, my children, and my grandchildren. In fact, I think I love them more than I love myself. If one of my children were in danger, I would hardly begin by making a moral calculation of how much I ought to risk.
Love does not calculate like that.
And then there are people I do not like.
Some I try to keep at a distance. Certain people arouse an aversion in me. Perhaps there are even people I might call my enemies, although the word feels foreign in my everyday life.
What, then, am I to do with the commandment to love?
As Yourself
It is a curious expression: as yourself.
It seems to assume that I already love myself. But do human beings always do that?
We speak a great deal about self-love today. We are told to accept ourselves, take care of ourselves, set boundaries, and not allow others to define our worth. There is something important in this. A person who constantly despises himself lives under a harsh judge.
But self-love can also come to mean something else.
It can become the idea that I should always put myself first. That my needs should be met. That every criticism is an attack. That people who make my life difficult can simply be removed from it.
Perhaps, then, my love for myself has ceased to be love.
Aristotle made an interesting distinction here. He did not regard all love of oneself as selfishness. The good person could, in a certain sense, be the one who loved himself most, because he wanted to live well and act well. The problem arose when self-love was reduced to the pursuit of advantage, honor, and pleasure.
There is a difference between wishing oneself well and wanting everything for oneself.
That difference is still worth holding on to.
Tending Oneself
An old expression may help: to tend oneself.
To tend something is to care for it, watch over it, and make sure it does not fall into neglect. We tend animals, the soil, and whatever has been entrusted to our care.
Perhaps a human being can also tend his own life.
That is something different from cultivating the self.
The person who tends a garden does not let everything grow simply because it happens to grow there. Some things need pruning. Weeds must be removed. The soil needs rest. Some things need water, others more light. And some things turn out to be dead and must be taken away.
In the same way, caring for myself may also require resisting myself.
I may have to say no to my own impulses. I may discover that I was wrong. I may have to apologize. I may need another person to tell me something I would rather not hear.
Self-love without self-criticism can easily become self-absorption.
Self-criticism without self-love can become self-contempt.
Somewhere between them lies the old work of tending a life.
The Little Word Between Us
But the commandment does not simply tell me to love myself and to love my neighbor.
Between us stands a little word:
as.
As yourself.
Perhaps it is precisely this word that makes the commandment difficult.
It binds care for myself to my relationship with the other. I cannot ask what I owe my neighbor without also asking how I relate to myself. Nor can I turn love of myself into a closed matter that concerns only me.
As does not necessarily mean that I should feel the same toward the other as I do toward myself. Nor does it mean that our needs must always carry exactly the same weight.
But the word reminds me of something simple and difficult:
You, too, are the center of a life.
You know pain from within, as I do. You hope. You fear. You want to be seen. You carry experiences I do not know. You are not merely the person I encounter. You are a life that continues after I have gone.
But the fact that the other is the center of a life does not mean that everyone stands equally close to me.
I Do Not Love Everyone Equally
There is an idea that moral love ought to be distributed equally. As though a good person should feel roughly the same warmth toward everyone.
That is not how I experience life.
I love some people more than others.
I say that without shame.
The love of a child is not the same as love for a stranger. The love between people who have shared a long life cannot simply be compared with the goodwill we owe someone we pass in the street.
Martha Nussbaum has reminded us, in different ways, that our emotions are not merely accidental disturbances of morality. They also tell us what matters to us. The depth of grief tells us something about the significance of love.
That I do not feel the same toward everyone is therefore not necessarily a deficiency in love. It may be part of what makes love love rather than merely duty.
Love is partial in a way that justice cannot be.
It would therefore be strange if an ethical life required every person to mean equally much to me.
But here the difficulty begins.
The fact that I do not love everyone equally does not mean that some people are therefore without value.
I can love those closest to me more than others without believing that other people’s lives are worth less.
Perhaps this is precisely where the distinction between love as a feeling and love as an ethical stance becomes decisive.
Must I Love My Enemy?
The Christian commandment goes further than loving one’s neighbor. In the Sermon on the Mount we also find the words: “Love your enemies.”
It is an enormous demand.
If it means that I must feel warmth, closeness, or affection toward someone who has harmed me or others, the demand seems almost inhuman. Feelings cannot be summoned by command.
I cannot decide to like another person.
Perhaps that is not what the commandment asks of me.
To love one’s enemy may mean refusing to make the enemy into something less than human.
I can oppose what a person does. I can set boundaries. I can leave a relationship. I can demand justice. I can say: I will not accept this.
And at the same time, I can try to refrain from the desire to humiliate or destroy the other.
Here the distinction between the person and the action becomes important.
There are actions we must condemn.
But judgment of an action need not become a final judgment on the worth of the human being.
Perhaps this is one of the most difficult bendings of a human life.
I Do Not Like You
There is also a simpler truth that philosophy sometimes makes unnecessarily complicated:
We do not like everyone.
Some people irritate us. Some make us uneasy. Some speak in ways we find difficult to tolerate. Others hold values far removed from our own. And sometimes aversion arises without our being entirely able to explain why.
That is not necessarily a moral failing.
The problem begins when the feeling becomes a judgment:
I do not like you.
becomes:
There is something wrong with you.
Then my experience of the other has slowly become a claim about who the other person is.
Here I recognize an old hermeneutic problem. I never encounter another human being without some preliminary understanding. What matters is whether it is allowed to remain preliminary.
Perhaps it is not the first feeling I should be most wary of.
Perhaps it is certainty.
The Other Is Not Mine
With Levinas, this becomes sharper still.
The other can never be reduced to what I have already understood, liked, or disliked about him. There is always something about the other that escapes my judgment.
The Christian demand to love one’s enemy and Levinas’s philosophy are therefore not the same, but they touch at a common point: my aversion does not give me the right to make the other less human.
I can set boundaries. I can say no. I can demand justice. But I cannot make my judgment of the other the whole truth of who he is.
This also places a limit on self-love. If my own security, self-realization, or happiness requires other people to become merely means for me, then care for myself has crossed a boundary.
But the boundary runs in the other direction as well. I, too, am an other to the other, and my life, too, needs protection.
Love of one’s neighbor therefore cannot mean that I must always yield, always endure, always sacrifice myself, or allow others to violate my boundaries. A love that requires a person to erase himself has lost something essential.
Those I Love More Than Myself
And so the family remains.
I still believe that I love those closest to me more than I love myself.
I do not wish to correct that philosophically.
Perhaps this is precisely how love shows that the human being is not a closed self. What happens to those I love somehow happens to me as well. Their joy can become my joy. Their pain can hurt more than my own.
Buber might have said that something happens in the encounter between I and Thou that cannot be reduced to two separate individuals weighing their interests against one another.
Love does not keep accounts.
But precisely for that reason, it needs boundaries.
For even the person who loves others must tend his own life. Not because my life is necessarily more important than theirs, but because I, too, am a human being entrusted to my own care.
Here the little word as returns.
Not as a calculation.
Not as a demand that love be distributed equally.
But as a connection between my life and yours.
I will live with myself for as long as I live.
I must tend this life.
Prune it a little.
Give it light.
Sometimes let it rest.
And perhaps that is enough as a place to begin.
Not with the demand that I feel love for every human being.
But with the far more difficult practice of meeting even the person I do not like without depriving him of his humanity.
I do not have to love everyone as I love those closest to me.
I do not have to like everyone.
But perhaps I can practice allowing the other to be more than my judgment of him.
And at the same time remember that the same is true of myself.